I step out of the sauna into the smell of Aunt Helen’s house at Thanksgiving. I breathe in the slight remnants of cigarette smoke, turkey, stuffing and a hint basement smell.
When we first got the sauna, the smell freaked me out, but now, I try to find beauty in the layers of smells in the 90 year old house we live in. If I think of it as history, of memory, of stability, I am less apt to turn into super freak mom, wielding a wiffy bar as I attack the smelly paneling.
The sauna was necessary today. Cold here. Been raining for 2 days and my body is in a full herx from a new regiment of Cumanda.
Two things I learned today: The pleurisy I had in 1995 was a symptom of Lyme & Co-Infections. And it is back with fervor.
And second, when having a bart herx, it is best to have emergency phone numbers. I was stuck. Didn’t remember who to call. Didn’t want to bother anyone. I was afraid for myself and my son. So, I called my sister and she talked to me while I cooked so I didn’t leave the gas on by mistake.
Afterward, I cried and cried and cried. Will I ever get used to these emotional herxes? They are so deeply painful. I feel the anti-virals working, the anti-biotics working in my brain and at times I can not cope with the toxins. They cause delusions in my thinking and the most incredible brain fog I have ever experienced.
And then, in time, they pass and I’m back at the keyboard. Nothing creative here, folks. Not tonight. Just real life. Loneliness. Fear. Not sure who my support system is.
Tomorrow, I meet with the Lifers, my group of friends that I walk this journey with. They all have their own serious challenges and although I know that any one of them would rush to my side if I needed them, like I did tonight, I don’t know where their numbers are and I don’t want to burden them.
I think the best solution is to have a cell phone number/emergency phone list party. This weekend, even. Invite people for a potluck and hand them a marker. What a great idea!
Anybody want in?