Lyme Coward?

Tonight, I’m thinking of Mr. R, my high school band teacher. I quit the danceline, soon after I joined because I thought the advisor was a self-centered bitch. He called me a quitter. Said I would never learn perseverance. Said that he would always see me as a quitter after that.

Perhaps that is why he never let me have first chair, even though my tone was better than the “future music major” who was my dear friend. I was better. But, I had that reputation of being a quitter.

Well, Mr. R., look at me now. I don’t GET to quit. I surely want to. I see photos of my teenager drinking orange soda — or what I like to call, “food for the Lyme”, on Facebook and I want to quit. I didn’t sign up having two chronically ill kids. I have NEVER felt so responsible as I have tonight. Big party down the alley. Figured out how to get himself invited. Wanted to have some time to be a normal kid, since our family isn’t so normal. So, he goes places with other families. And I appreciate the families who take him under their wing and help him feel normal.

Cause we all know that I don’t. I am a constant reminder. No sugar. No orange soda. No getting overtired. Start working on bedtime so we don’t have a semester like last semester. I am not just the controlling Mother, I am the reminder that he is chronically ill.

I work my ASS off to help these kids get healthy and I want to give up. I don’t want to make Mr. R. proud. I want to run like hell and deny the fact that they sick because I made them sick.

Run. Like. Hell.

But I don’t. I fight. I make decisions for them that piss them off. But I’m not looking at today. I’m looking at age 16 – 18 – 25 – 45. I’m looking ahead because that is my job.

This is my birthday week, and I want to quit.

Instead, I kiss my babies goodnight and get ready for bed. I Wonder where I got the perseverance for this fight and hope the courage is there tomorrow to do it all over again.


2 responses to “Lyme Coward?

  1. you are amazing, and i love you.

  2. I just discovered your blog recently from dizzy girl’s blog, and wanted to chime in on this post. I know exactly how you feel. I wrote a similarly minded post from a hospital visit yesterday when I was just so fed up with all of the mental and emotional maintenance that comes from having Lyme. But you’re obviously not a coward. If anything, I think this disease makes us braver than we’ve ever been before. And while it might sound terrible to write this, it’s nice to know there are others out there who are just as fed up as I am. Thanks for being so honest about the day to day struggle and for sharing with us.

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