I need to count the people in my life who support me. I need to tally them up. Make a chart, do all things VIRGO.
I get this, from this person. That, from you. By counting the ways, I think I will see the truth: that my cup overfloweth, even if that overflowethness doesn’t help me tomorrow when I am bussing in a snow storm a few hours after a colonoscopy, just to get my kid to a recording session in downtown St. Paul.
I just need to tap into my gratitude. Remember how much I have. So, tonight, as I deal with the cramps of the prep, I will grab my clipboard and start writing.
I like to plan stuff, so, in my head, I am planning a party where everyone comes into our warm home and gets thanked. I’m realistic, though. I won’t make food. It will be a potluck, open house. I’ll clean the house, but only because it needs to be anyway. I’ll put a big constellation on the wall — big, white butcherblock paper and I will write in marker all of the names of the people who have helped us in the first year of our treatment. And around all of those names I will post the acts, whether they are simply, complex, tiny or huge, all around the names. Then, when you come, you can draw a line from your name to celebrate all the ways that you support us.
Sure, I could use some help tomorrow while hubby is at work and I’m shaking off the drugs from the procedure, but we will manage. I usually cry a lot after I get put under, but my kids are used to that. I could use help getting the big one to the rehearsal, but with the right snow gear, and lots of hand sanitizer, we will get there.
I dream about having friends who might orchestrate a “help the sick family” events that might include cooking for us (at our home), helping us deal with paperwork, laundry, getting curtains up. But I don’t have a BFF that can do that. I dream about having a sangha, a kula, a community of friends who might get creative about how to help us. But, everyone is busy, and it isn’t in the cards.
We are okay. We get support in different ways. And I am grateful for all of it. I just need to count my blessings, even when I’m feeling really alone. And when I miss my friends who have pulled away or when I miss the courage of my friends who have died. And most of all, I miss my mom. I never imagined I would be without that woman and some days, I still can’t believe she is gone, even though it has been 8 years. I just need to keep counting my blessings.
My theme song today is this: