So, today, the little red wagon had two flat tires. Metaphor for a life out of control? I think so.
Fast. Fast. Fast. Hurry up. Go to Circus. Get to school. Get your homework done. Walk to pre-school. Teach yoga. Teach creative writing. Plan summer classes. Make enough for the house payment. Get to the post office. Keep the house clean enough to be safe. Rest? Heal? Treat aggressively? No time. No money. Sorry!
When I realized that we couldn’t handle our lives the way we were going — the aggressive treatment, wanting to treat harder but not having the support around us to do that, I knew I had to slow my treatment down. I didn’t slow down the kids, but I knew we couldn’t do it all. And now, the lack of intensity in treatment is causing my symptoms to worsen.
The reason why people with cancer can treat with high doses of chemo and radiation? First, because it is rare that more than one person in a family has a serious, life threatening disease. And secondly, because people rally around cancer patients. It is an intense, treatment program, with a long recovery program, and I’m not making light of that. And, of course, not every person with cancer has a support team behind them. But lyme isn’t like that. It is a very long treatment program, and then, there is long maintainence. We, as a culture like intense. We like diseases that we understand. We rally around, even thrive in the intensity. But invisible illness aren’t glamorous. Because Lyme patients, for whatever reason, don’t get that support, our treatment protocols can only be as aggressive as our support system allows. So, either you skimp on treatment. Or you slow down your life.
For the past many months, I chose to slow down my protocols so I could do both my life and treat my disease. And now, I don’t get to anymore. The treatment I’m doing isn’t even holding the infections at bay.
So, now, with two brand new tires on our trusty little red volvo, life needs to change. Time to kick it down with the antibiotics. I need to detox every day. Crashing on the bed at 6 pm, being unable to put my 5 year old to bed? It needs to be okay. Things have to change.
So, give me tips. How do I slow it down? What do I let go off? How much of my life do I let go without losing who I am? How much do I let go without putting my kids into the “scarred and neglected” therapy program (that’s a little pompous of me, assuming they aren’t already signed up–but go with me on this one). How do I do it? What do I give up?
I sat on the table at the PT/Cranial sacral table and wondered when I will ever be able to fully use my right leg. Standing poses are mostly gone. Handstands? Gone. And now, I can’t even sit in sukasana (legs crossed). Is teaching yoga going to be the next thing to go?
You’ve all been watching me crash and burn the past 2 years. How do I keep it from getting it worse?