I’m having a seriously OCD night. I’ve been pushing my illness and my recovery into the shadows of my living. Teaching two weeks in a row, every week day, pretending that I’m not sick.
Hard work. And now, with only one day of class left in this session of classes, I’m falling apart.
It’s nearly midnight, and although I am exhausted, I’m trying to figure out how to get my family well. Fuck. It is so absurd, this whole fight. Today, more than any other day, with my blood pressure in the tank, the dizziness, the falling up stairs, the hangover feeling, I can’t even believe it is all real.
Seriously. Sometimes, doesn’t it seem like my family (and possibly yours, too) are stuck in a Salvadore Dali painting? Melting clock. Face suspended in time and space. The Persistence of Memory. The monstrous butterflies. The tigers charging the naked woman.
That is my life. And, frankly, it scares me.
We need more treatment. Better treatment. More aggressive treatment. We need money to cover that treatment. We need to stop going in circles. I can’t work the way I’ve been working. If I don’t, I can’t treat myself or my kids.
I’m tired of the way that this disease works. It is surreal. When someone gets cancer, the treatments are covered. But, with Lyme, are we just supposed to give up? I’m SO tired of taking one step forward and twelve steps back. I’m so tired of not being able to work to my potential, generate income to my potential and support my family the way I should be able to. I want to get well. I want to be well.
I am so tired. I am in so much pain. And, I’m so tired of fighting a losing battle.
Let’s hope tomorrow brings a different energy. And maybe a little more hope.