F-i-g-h-t!

I’m having a seriously OCD night. I’ve been pushing my illness and my recovery into the shadows of my living. Teaching two weeks in a row, every week day, pretending that I’m not sick.

Hard work. And now, with only one day of class left in this session of classes, I’m falling apart.

It’s nearly midnight, and although I am exhausted, I’m trying to figure out how to get my family well. Fuck. It is so absurd, this whole fight. Today, more than any other day, with my blood pressure in the tank, the dizziness, the falling up stairs, the hangover feeling, I can’t even believe it is all real.

Seriously. Sometimes, doesn’t it seem like my family (and possibly yours, too) are stuck in a Salvadore Dali painting? Melting clock. Face suspended in time and space. The Persistence of Memory. The monstrous butterflies. The tigers charging the naked woman.

That is my life. And, frankly, it scares me.

We need more treatment. Better treatment. More aggressive treatment. We need money to cover that treatment. We need to stop going in circles. I can’t work the way I’ve been working. If I don’t, I can’t treat myself or my kids.

I’m tired of the way that this disease works. It is surreal. When someone gets cancer, the treatments are covered. But, with Lyme, are we just supposed to give up? I’m SO tired of taking one step forward and twelve steps back. I’m so tired of not being able to work to my potential, generate income to my potential and support my family the way I should be able to. I want to get well. I want to be well.

I am so tired. I am in so much pain. And, I’m so tired of fighting a losing battle.

Let’s hope tomorrow brings a different energy. And maybe a little more hope.

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3 responses to “F-i-g-h-t!

  1. I can echo your thoughts. We need more and better treatments. Treatments that WORK . That get rid of every bit of bacteria and give us our lives back. It is an endless battle. Stephen Buhner mentions the clever bacteria on the acknowledgement page of his book…We need doctors who are more clever than this bacteria!

    We are strong and courageous to keep fighting this battle…keep trying….keep searching for something that will work for us while at the same time keeping balance in our lives and find joy in each day. Difficult, but not impossible…
    Thanks for expressing my own feelings here today. I do hope the morning brought you more peace of mind and a boost of strength too…

  2. Ugh…I can’t even begin to imagine what you’re going through. I don’t know if you have the energy, but you need to write this–essays, articles a memoir…to let people know what this disease really is.

  3. Sweet grizzly mama,
    Ow, ow, ow. Yes, I do hope that today begins a better trend. And if you’re seeing that you bit off more than you could chew, maybe you can see it as both a big feather in your cap for taking on a huge challenge, and important information for you about what may (or not) fit for you right now.

    And, absent the health/legal system having gotten more of a clue about Lyme & co. (yet – I know it’s coming, sooner or later), I’m thinking that it might be time for some more “bucket brigade”/barn-raising-type support for you guys. Should we start a conversation about that?

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