From Grief into Discomfort

I think this is a good sign. Today, when I told someone that I had a frozen shoulder, I said it so matter of fact like that I was surprised it was coming from my own being.

For several hours, I replayed the loop. Not just the words, but the energy behind them. No grief. There was no grief. Not a drop.

Six months ago, I was still doing handstands. 8 months ago, I was still teaching yoga. 3 years ago, I was still writing things that make sense. Consistently. I could sew. I could write. I could type without pain.

Fast forward to today. No yoga. Frozen shoulder. No handstands. Maybe never. Sewing hurts like you wouldn’t believe. I can’t knit. Crochet. Swim.

But, instead of looking at all the things I’ve lost, I’m looking at things differently. And not from a place of grief, but through the eyes of an explorer. What can I do? I have pain. I have fatigue. I have a bum arm. But what CAN I do.

I don’t know the answer to that question, but I’m ruminating on it.

Grief is gone. G-O-N-E. It might come back, but for right now, I’m an explorer. I might not channel Amelia Earhart or Dora, but for right now, that’s my new role. Tilling Mama. The explorer. Who am I now that I’m not all the things I once was? I’m on sabbatical. That’s all. Sabbatical.

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3 responses to “From Grief into Discomfort

  1. That sounds very Feldenkraisian—to ask, what can I do? My practitioner talks often about “explorations”–how is it if I do this? Or this? I find it changes my whole outlook, and changes my focus from dwelling on the past or worrying about the future to asking myself what can I do now, with my current limitations. It’s not the same as resignation, it’s more positive. I hope that’s the case for you, too.

  2. Oh boy, I’m sure this is a bizarre experience for you. But it seems very exciting to me, like you’ve shifted through this to something big, and freeing. When we stop grieving for what we’ve lost and can no longer have, and create the life, the living, with what we do have, haven’t we then started to erase the tyrannical power anger, loss and despair can have over us, and start to live in acceptance of the real?

    ‘Course, the conundrum is that while we must fight the enemy – Lyme – with all we have, to stay vigilant and galvanized on that can also make us despise the inroads the disease has made on our life and abilities. So the process of struggling to get well can create a dissociation from what is our fundamental reality…

    Somehow we have to do both, and that takes a state of grace, where vigilance AND self-acceptance and love co-exist in equanimity.

  3. I find that the grief comes at certain significant times but it passes easily. It’s rare but it happens. It has been a very long time for me.

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